Dear Lord, come quickly to my aid. My heart is broken and I seem not to know what to do now. It feels like I am being overwhelmed by an emotion of anger. Like I am acting a role that I was forced into.

My friend is hurting me. She keeps saying words that hurts, and even when she tries to apologize, her words still cut through as deep. We had a little misunderstanding and she left the house for 2 days, still trying to deal with that in my head, she comes back and reminds me that I am younger than her younger sister. She is also fond of using mean words whenever we have a misunderstanding. Yesterday, she said I was making her feel like a monster and that I was making her feel like she was losing her mind and that she needed to see a therapist.

The part where she reminded me of our age difference cut really deeply. She said when we have misunderstandings I look at her with disdain and disrespect. I feel like she enjoys hurting me with her words. Every time I just try to withdraw and be on my own to avoid hurt from her, I feel the love  of God prompting me towards her again. My heart has been mercilessly broken by her. I am tired. I don't know if I can go in this one time. My heart is bleeding. I have suppressed myself many times for her sake, she doesn't even seem to notice. I have given my best for her on so many occasions, but she seems to always be able to toss it to the wind and act like it's her right.

How do you make friends with someone who thinks they are older than you and kinda lords it on you. She has stopped telling me things, I came to terms with that, but other times, I feel like she compares me to her other friends whom she considers "better". She doesn't like to be corrected, yet she wants me to point out the things she does that hurts me. Lord, I am tired. I don't know how much longer I can go with Peace if you don't help me. I feel exhausted, like I should run to some where and not be here.

CRUSH

Hmmm... I am shaa liking someone. This my heart will not keep quiet. Don't mind me, he's my TEF mentor...oo. I think the uncle likes me too sha... But MBA biko... He has to spell it out very well... This thing cannot happen to me again...oo
He's a cool dude though... I don't even know him... So, cool can pass for a description. I shaa like how this one is doing me... Its not sharking me like the other ones... Biko, this butterfly thing no dey work... If I catch any butterflies in my stomach I will kill it by strangling.
Let's be going first... Let me leave this one here.

COVID-19 Post

I actually never thought I would be posting anything with the COVID title. But here I am.
So its time for Lock down and we are all at home. Feels like life has paused. Once again, it seems like I have resumed my impatient search for truth... This is a simulation of what happened last year. Just that last year, I was locked down by finances, but this year, I am locked down by some COVID guy. Its all good.
My vices are beginning to stare me in the face and every moment I keep asking God for grace to go through. In here with my friend, and it seems like I complain in my head about everything she does, the way she talks, the number of times she bathes, the fact that she pays little or no attention to me or my affairs. Its overwhelming. Honestly, I think there is nothing wrong with her... I just think I am overwhelmed. Staying at one place is not and has never been my thing. I am just trusting God to help me overlook certain things.
Again, my spiritual quest has begun again... It almost usually always ends in frustration. I don't even know where to enter from. I listen to sermons, read books, listen to music and sleep unsatisfied. Probably because I wish I can wake up at night to pray... Then I end up snoring into the morning. I feel bad that Peace doesn't try to help me... I have verbalized my frustration to her many times and told her many tines that I need help... But she never wakes me up. It hurts, but I guess expectations from others is also a vice I should curb... I will set an alarm tonight for 02:00pm let's see how it goes.

Story of my Highs and lows

So yesterday, just as I was about to sleep, at about 11:00p.m, I tapped Peace for a resolution chat and the next thing I knew was that I was laying to sleep at 04:00am in the morning. Glory to God, I was able to wake at 07:30, prayed and did my laundry, then set out for WWP... While I was washing, Mr. Attah called to cancel his order for Friday, with claims that he is travelling. I honestly don't believe him, but what will I do?
During the meeting, I was asked to buy food for every member of the group, I did buy for everybody but me. The women were in awe at my decision. I as somewhat numb, but kept asking God to accept my sacrifice. I am hungry for real food, but I am not sure I have got a go ahead to eat. Hmmm... I am a little overwhelmed by the fact that the freezer is about, somehow it wants to affect my peace. I also feel worried about the Saturday program, the juice to profit. What will my lot be? I am a little anxious, but I am casting all my cares on God.
Mr. Alfred asked me to let him know of I need help with my application for TEF, so I am treading carefully. I don't want us to get emotional about this thing and screw up what God is set to do. I release my faith to receive the TEF fund.
I feel exhausted, at the same time I am going to give Mr. Edward his drinks... This is me being deaf to the way I feel. I want to repaint my toe nails and see if i can change my hair. I volunteered to give the marriage school a great touch to the result. Its going to be a huge one for me in terms of work. This morning I felt the Holy spirit reminding me that once upon a time, I wanted to help Pastor Opi and this is a rare privilege, so I will give it my all. My desire is to leave earth empty. That's my heart cry

So if I had my way, I am not sure I would want to redo this day. First, I woke up without light, so my 5AM routine was quite messy, but I still did it anyway... I eventually found my way to the market and got things for today's delivery. I thank God the money was enough. I got back and tried to get the drinks ready, then I reached out to Anwar, the friend I discovered when I went to deliver drinks to Cele at CDC. He ordered drinks from me, and I had to make haste to conclude my Central Area delivery and meet up with his. I was dancing through this process, then I realized the freezer ain't cooling... I am still reminding God that I am a tither... I won't say much for now. Somehow, a lot of things seemed liked they wanted to go wrong, by I have been on Psalms 103,blessing God with my soul.

My Daniel fast clocked 27 today, and it feels like I can go any further... My cravings have heightened and I can even eat via my nostrils these days. With little rest, the Daniel meal hardly fills me up. Not complaining. I am grateful to God for a number of things today
Despite no light, I woke up and prayed.
Anwar ordered drinks
Mr Attach  ordered for tomorrow on his own
Mr Edward is getting honey tomorrow
I am able to focus and praise even when my day seems to want to chat its course... I am tapping my daily benefits,
I am able to make it for church, even though latr

Still on the news of today. My line has been falling in pleasant places. After I came from my explorative market trip. I got a message from Cele asking if I could deliver 7bottles of carrot to her, I obligations d and charged her 6k... She did not flinch, she just wired it into my account. I had to pull a stunt delivering it to her and while I was still trying to figure out how to get to Gwarimpa for the leadership training. O saw Mr. Martin of WHO, he was going to Kubwa and then he dropped me off... Thank God for grace. I did not miss a thing today, rather o achieved more than I anticipated. Of a truth, he daily loads me with plenty benefits.

Explore

Hmmm... Let's say I feel energized this morning, I woke up and thanked God for all that happened yesterday. But most importantly I read a book that advised me to step out of my comfort zone... While that is not the easiest thing to do. I am trying it out today. So I wrote a couple of things on my Smoothies ideas list even though I doubted I was ever going to try them out. But today.... Guess what I am actually going to explore... This is especially exciting for me because I wouldn't dare... I bought Almonds, kale and some other rare things, set to mesmerize my customers. We ain't joking here. I am set to explore for my next juice escapades.
In the other news, I just paid my 10k for the juicetoprofit training. That money feels like blood. But I have let it go. It will come back in glamour. Phew!!!! I am so happy... The readings aren't a waste afterall... Lalalalalala... I am happy

My 4th day as a member of the 05:00am club

Yesterday was one of those days I don't ever want to wake up to in my life again. I woke up in the morning and tried to do my usual 5AM club activities... I did my exercise and lay down to do my devotional that was how I slept off. Like really slept from about 05:30 o about 09:30am.  This one hurt me in itself. I got ready and went to millennium park where I worried away the rest of my day. Meanwhile, I had a dream about my prince charming. He was so calm, tall and light skinned. I remember teasing him and calling him Ajebo. He was so patient with me and accepted me for who I was. In the dream I went to CODE, ,I don't know for whatever reason. But we were there. I remember we climbed a 3 storey staircase. He exceeded and I just almost branched when he saw me and lovingly came down. I don't know, but I felt so much love in the dream. It was nothing like I have ever felt before. I hold onto that dream until my prince charming shows up.
Meanwhile, I had to pray most part of he night for mercy. Somehow it felt like spirit of intercession and I began to pray. In all, I slept praying nd woke up better.

Day 3 5AM

So today is the 3rd day of my 5AM club exercise. Today I woke up with more ease and was able to do a little bit of morning exercise. It was not up to 20 mins though, but I did it. I woke up with a clearer head.

Something happened yesterday, as I was almost getting worried on how to fully fund my trip to Lagos, I stumble on a post on Instagram that says a similar training will be happening in Abuja. For 15k... I was saving up for a blender, but I just knew I had to let go of this morning. I am still trying to imbibe the habit of paying for knowledge, and I am sure it will pay off really soon. I reached out to the lady pleading for a discount and she agreed almost immediately. I started to second guess the efficacy of the training. But I took a lesson out of it. Never do favours on a platter, people will most likely despise it because of the ease at which it came

Its about 12 noon andi feel stronger and happier today, was able to set a goal and accomplish it. I feel like a heroine.

Yesterday, I went to the market with the intent of getting really nice new clothes. The idea was to boost my confidence and make me happy, but guess what. Right now, I don't feel any more confident or happier than I felt yesterday before I left for The market. The lesson for me is that joy is internal.
I have this friend whom we stay together, sometime last year we would seat and whine about the unfairness of life. But she seem to have caught a mastery of this whole life thing, she seems happier and less more concerned about life, while I still seem to hold on a lot to what happens around me. This part kinda contributes to my pain. Its like I am not growing or I am growing too slow. Sometimes I feel stripped. Like I don't know anything in myself. Its not an easy place to be in. I find out that I battle with unfulfillment, anger and sometimes, envy. I pray to be better soon. I can wait to attain inner peace.
Today was meant to be my second day on the 5AM club... I woke up, sat on the reading table and slept all through. I can't even seem to do the regular prayer anymore except the ones I say in my heart in desperation. I don't even know of God accepts such prayers. I just wish I know what to do now. Lord help me!

Updates on my new life

A lot has happened in the last few years. In fact, 2019 was quite a year for me. I felt like life paused me, drained my confidence and let me out. But this is 2020 and I am trying to find my feet. I feel my confidence coming back but not without the lace of fear and touches of doubts. I have resorted to an adventurous 2020 and although I still don't know how it will play out, I will still try.

Today, i successfully got my Daniel fast to 21 days. For me that's a great achievement and having been reading the 5AM club, I decided to start today. I actually did not decide to start, my friend had to wake me after the alarm had tried effortlessly for days. This morning was a huge struggle. I was feeling sleepy up until about 07:00 pm.

Its been a training ground for me. I had to brace myself to be able to show up at the Crash course Leadership program held at Transformers Leadership Academy. For one week. I will keep pushing myself until I can no longer breathe. This doesn't feel easy, but I will keep asking for grace.