Yesterday, I went to the market with the intent of getting really nice new clothes. The idea was to boost my confidence and make me happy, but guess what. Right now, I don't feel any more confident or happier than I felt yesterday before I left for The market. The lesson for me is that joy is internal.
I have this friend whom we stay together, sometime last year we would seat and whine about the unfairness of life. But she seem to have caught a mastery of this whole life thing, she seems happier and less more concerned about life, while I still seem to hold on a lot to what happens around me. This part kinda contributes to my pain. Its like I am not growing or I am growing too slow. Sometimes I feel stripped. Like I don't know anything in myself. Its not an easy place to be in. I find out that I battle with unfulfillment, anger and sometimes, envy. I pray to be better soon. I can wait to attain inner peace.
Today was meant to be my second day on the 5AM club... I woke up, sat on the reading table and slept all through. I can't even seem to do the regular prayer anymore except the ones I say in my heart in desperation. I don't even know of God accepts such prayers. I just wish I know what to do now. Lord help me!